The Last month and a half of My Life

Ya so here's a run down of the last month of my life:

I recently had to give up an appartment in Guelph, Ontario where I was living with my best friend. Unfortunately my money problems have become so sever that I had to come back to Sarnia and take a crappy job because I couldn't find one there. I've been looking for a job in Guelph for so long without sucess that one day about a month ago my roomate asked me if I'm going to come back. So I told her that we might have to give up the appartment because my money problems were only getting worse and I couldn't afford to pay the rent there on my current wages as I can live in Sarnia at my Mom's house for free. Well sufficed to say, she didn't like this very much because she is starting school in September at the University of Guelph Wildlife Biology program and now has found herself having to find a new place to live right when when she's going to be starting school. It is a huge deal for her to be going back to school as she has struggled with mental illness her whole life (among other things). Well, now she hates me (in some ways, understandably so). However, I currently owe her $45 that she leant me before all of this happened, but in all of the commotion of this entire situation I forgot all about it, so when she e-mailed me asking her about it I told her I would pay her out of my next check which is the check i got on August 19th. However, 2 days before I was to get that check i got my monthly statement for my car insurance (for the car lease I'v been unsuccessful in getting myself out of yet) only to see that my monthly payment doubled and they added $160 to it because of my move and higher rates in this city compared to Guelph. Unfortunatly that brings up this months payment to $593 (!!!!!) which pretty much wipes out my last paycheck and leaves me no money with which to pay her back with. SO i won't know if i even have money to pay her with because my insurance company is supposed to call me on monday to let me know if they can get my payments lower again. So I told her i won't know if i can touch any of my paycheck until then because if it is indeed going to be $593 i have to leave my check in my bank account to cover it and I won't be able to give her money until my next check. Well this is the reply i got from her today, 2 days later:

"i am so tired of this shit, i want my fucking money and i want it now, i
have waited long enough, it's been 2 months now, send me the money, borrow it
from someone i don't care send it TODAY "

Wouldn't I like to borrow it from someone! If it weren't for the fact I have no one to borrow it from I would have sent it yesterday. I understand I borrowed the money from her ad that she wants her money back but you can't demand money from someone who has none, unfortunately. I told her I have every intention of paying her back, but obviously that isn't good enough. She doesn't trust in that fact, which is fine, but I've now decided to stop reading e-mails from her AND her sister because I refuses to spend the rest of my life feeling like a pile of shit. I don't need people to tell me I should feel shitty because I can do that without help. I understand that my money problems are my problem, but I'm doing the very best I can do to get caught up with what I have which is very little at the moment. I know that this sucks for everyone involved but there is nothing else i can do outside what I'm already doing to make everything right and so I'm not going to sit around and feel like a pile of crap because thats gonna do nothing but make me even worse off. If I can't get forgiveness from those people then I'm at some point going to haveto forgive myself for my faults so that I can move on and make some sort of life for myself. Well thats my story. She sent me an e-mail the other day asking "how am I so easy to toss aside....am I not worth more than that". Well, yes you are worth more than that, but I"m not going to appologize for tossing her aside when that is not what I was doing when i decided to give up the lease and move back here where I can try to get my life back in order. I moved back here to fix my financial situation because if I didn't give up the lease a month ago when I did, I would have had to do it this week when I found out I don't even make enough to make a car insurance payment that I have no choice but to make until i get rid of the car. So i basically appologized that she felt as though she has been tossed aside, but thats not what I was doing by moving back here and so I'm not going to appologize for something I didn't do.

Either way i wil give her her money as soon as I can, but until then she is going to have to wait in line. Sorry, but thats all I can say because there is nothing else I can do, no matter how badly I'd like to fix all of this with one tiny flick of my magic wand. Nothing I can say or do ever will be able to fix this. I have to live with that for the rest of my life, but I'm not going to let it stop me from moving on and making an attempt at living altogether. Bye for now

p.s. See guys!!! I"m writing every day now :)

p.s.s. Ignore that one of my posts is from September 20th of 2005 (which is in the future) one of my entries had the wrong date and time in the Journal client so it posted it in the future by accident.
Listening to:

The Arcade Fire - Rebellion (LIES)

Sleeping is giving in
No matter what the time is
Sleeping is giving in
So lift those heavy eyelids

People say that you'll die
Fasterr than without water
But we know it's just a lie
Scare your son, scare your daughter

People say that your dreams
Are the only things that save ya
Come on baby in our dreams
We can live our misbehaviour

Every time you close your eyes, LIES! LIES!
Every time ou close your eyes, LIES! LIES!
Every time you close your eyes, LIES! LIES!
Every time you close your eyes, LIES! LIES!

Everytime you close your eyes
Everytime ou close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes

People try and hide the night
Underneathe the covers
People try to hid the light
Underneathe the covers

Come on hide your lovers
Underneath the covers
Come on hide your lovers
Underneathe covers

Hiding from your brothers
Underneath the covers
Come on hide your lovers
Underneathe the covers

People say that you'll die
Faster than without water
But we know its just a lie
Scare your son, scare your daughter

Now here's the sun it's alright
Now here's the moon it's alright
Now here's the sun it's alright
now here's the moon its alright

Everytime you close your eyes
Everytime you close your eyes
Everytime you close your eyes
Everytime you close your eyes.......................................................
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